Chapter IV
I shrieked in pain as I moved. Wait, moved?! My eyes shot open, revealing a room full of people that
were looking at me intensely.
"Allen, thank god you're finally awake!" said Lenalee as she rushed towards me. I moved my head a
fraction of an inch so that I could see her better as I spoke..
"Why am I alive?" I asked Lenalee in a monotone voice. She took a step back, definitely not thinking
that would be the first thing out of my mouth.
"You've been in a coma since you fell, which was around two months ago, Allen." She said, obviously ignoring my question.
"I didn't fall, Lenalee. I jumped. You saw it. I just want to di-" I cut off my sentence as my eyes strayed towards the window. Then came the panic. The tears came again, and with them the pain in my heart. It was so painful I wished I had died.
"Allen?! What's wrong?! Allen?!" Said Lenalee franticly, eyes huge with worry.
"W-why? W-why is h-he h-he-re? G-get him o-out. P-p-please." I begged through my tears. It hurt to see
him. I couldn't take it. That's why I jumped in the first place. She turned and saw Kanda leaning on the window watching me.
As she ushered him out of the room, he looked back at me, and there was an unmistakable flash of genuine pain in his
eyes. He stalked off without a word, leaving me broken and helpless once again.
"Allen, calm down! He's gone now!" said Lavi as he looked down at me. I tried to stop sobbing, but
that proved impossible. The pain was still there, and my heart throbbed. I hated feeling so small, so insignificant, so
stupid.
"I-I c-can't c-ca-lm d-down. I-it h-hurt-s." I sobbed, whatever was left of the shred of dignity I
had left poured away with my tears. In a blurred frenzy, I found that I could move one of my arms. I did whatever I could think of to stop my life. People tried to restrain me as I tore I.V.'s out of my arms and trashed around like a fish out of water.
"Why can't you people just let me die?!" I screamed, flopping down onto the bed as my strength sapped
away. I was still sobbing, but now they were more tears of frustration. "I don't want to be alive! Can't you see that?!"
"Allen, why do you want to die so badly? If you give me a proper reason, I won't save you next
time." said Lenalee, eyes sincere.
"Because I can't take life anymore. You don't understand how much it hurts to go through
every single day knowing the one you're in love with hates you. Every minute feels like a pain-filled hour. You begin to despise yourself. You begin to despise life. You don't want to go on living. You don't have the strength to. Every waking moment is filled with pure agony and you can't sleep or eat. You can barely force yourself to move. Is that good enough of a reason?" I spoke dryly, my eyes obviously pits of despair and agony. Lenalee looked horrified, and nobody else in the room could believe that had just come from my mouth. I
felt a small bit of satisfaction as the shock spread over their faces.
"But Al-" Lenalee began before I interrupted her.
"Please, just let me die. Please." I begged, my heart throbbing even more as my thoughts strayed to Kanda. Then I realized something. There was pain in his eyes. He didn't want to leave. He was worried about me.
" Lenalee, how many times was Kanda here while I was unconscious?" I asked softly, a thought
blooming in my mind. She looked puzzled, but she answered.
"Every day. He was here every day." She said solidly. "But why are you asking that now?"
"Are you sure? Absolutely positive?" I asked, my voice soft once again as I ignored her question. She cocked her head in
confusion, but answered me all the same.
"Yes. Why though, I said?" I struggled to sit up and push my feet over the edge of the bed.
"Whoa, Allen, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" said Lavi as I pushed myself to my feet. I
swayed as dizziness came over me, but I caught my balance before I could fall.
"I have to find him." I said, making my way towards the door on shaky legs. I broke into an unsteady
run as they tried to stop me. Twisting through the hallways, I looked for Kanda. Then I saw him.
"Kanda!" I called, racing towards him on my still unsteady legs.
"Moyashi?!" He said in surprise as I reached him. The sound of my hand striking his face echoed through
the mostly empty lounge, and he looked at me in shock.
"What the hell was that, Moyash-" I cut him off before he could finish his sentence, my lips
pressing softly against his. He pressed his lips closer, and then we broke apart. I rested my head on hi chest as he wrapped his
arms around me.
"Please, stop lying to me, Kanda. It hurts, you know. Just admit that you love me as much as I love you." I said softly, and he
grunted. I looked up at him to find half embarrassed, half angry bluish black eyes staring down at me. Then he slapped me. I only stared up at him, wide eyed, hand pressed to the stinging side of my face.
"Never, and I mean never, try to kill yourself again." He said harshly, pulling me closer to him. The only thing holding me up now was his arms, for me legs went limp underneath me. He looked downwards, worry plain on his face.
"Are you alright?" He asked, looking at my limp legs. I pressed my lips to his once again, relishing
the taste of them.
"I'm okay; I just over-exerted myself that's all." I smiled wearily up at him, a sudden wave of
exhaustion washing over me. I felt my eyes closing as I leaned against his chest. His large hand brushed through my hair as he sat down on a sofa, pulling me down with him.
"I love you." I said, my voice slurring as I fell asleep on his lap. I could feel him smiling down at me as he said:
"I love you, too, Moyashi."
were looking at me intensely.
"Allen, thank god you're finally awake!" said Lenalee as she rushed towards me. I moved my head a
fraction of an inch so that I could see her better as I spoke..
"Why am I alive?" I asked Lenalee in a monotone voice. She took a step back, definitely not thinking
that would be the first thing out of my mouth.
"You've been in a coma since you fell, which was around two months ago, Allen." She said, obviously ignoring my question.
"I didn't fall, Lenalee. I jumped. You saw it. I just want to di-" I cut off my sentence as my eyes strayed towards the window. Then came the panic. The tears came again, and with them the pain in my heart. It was so painful I wished I had died.
"Allen?! What's wrong?! Allen?!" Said Lenalee franticly, eyes huge with worry.
"W-why? W-why is h-he h-he-re? G-get him o-out. P-p-please." I begged through my tears. It hurt to see
him. I couldn't take it. That's why I jumped in the first place. She turned and saw Kanda leaning on the window watching me.
As she ushered him out of the room, he looked back at me, and there was an unmistakable flash of genuine pain in his
eyes. He stalked off without a word, leaving me broken and helpless once again.
"Allen, calm down! He's gone now!" said Lavi as he looked down at me. I tried to stop sobbing, but
that proved impossible. The pain was still there, and my heart throbbed. I hated feeling so small, so insignificant, so
stupid.
"I-I c-can't c-ca-lm d-down. I-it h-hurt-s." I sobbed, whatever was left of the shred of dignity I
had left poured away with my tears. In a blurred frenzy, I found that I could move one of my arms. I did whatever I could think of to stop my life. People tried to restrain me as I tore I.V.'s out of my arms and trashed around like a fish out of water.
"Why can't you people just let me die?!" I screamed, flopping down onto the bed as my strength sapped
away. I was still sobbing, but now they were more tears of frustration. "I don't want to be alive! Can't you see that?!"
"Allen, why do you want to die so badly? If you give me a proper reason, I won't save you next
time." said Lenalee, eyes sincere.
"Because I can't take life anymore. You don't understand how much it hurts to go through
every single day knowing the one you're in love with hates you. Every minute feels like a pain-filled hour. You begin to despise yourself. You begin to despise life. You don't want to go on living. You don't have the strength to. Every waking moment is filled with pure agony and you can't sleep or eat. You can barely force yourself to move. Is that good enough of a reason?" I spoke dryly, my eyes obviously pits of despair and agony. Lenalee looked horrified, and nobody else in the room could believe that had just come from my mouth. I
felt a small bit of satisfaction as the shock spread over their faces.
"But Al-" Lenalee began before I interrupted her.
"Please, just let me die. Please." I begged, my heart throbbing even more as my thoughts strayed to Kanda. Then I realized something. There was pain in his eyes. He didn't want to leave. He was worried about me.
" Lenalee, how many times was Kanda here while I was unconscious?" I asked softly, a thought
blooming in my mind. She looked puzzled, but she answered.
"Every day. He was here every day." She said solidly. "But why are you asking that now?"
"Are you sure? Absolutely positive?" I asked, my voice soft once again as I ignored her question. She cocked her head in
confusion, but answered me all the same.
"Yes. Why though, I said?" I struggled to sit up and push my feet over the edge of the bed.
"Whoa, Allen, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" said Lavi as I pushed myself to my feet. I
swayed as dizziness came over me, but I caught my balance before I could fall.
"I have to find him." I said, making my way towards the door on shaky legs. I broke into an unsteady
run as they tried to stop me. Twisting through the hallways, I looked for Kanda. Then I saw him.
"Kanda!" I called, racing towards him on my still unsteady legs.
"Moyashi?!" He said in surprise as I reached him. The sound of my hand striking his face echoed through
the mostly empty lounge, and he looked at me in shock.
"What the hell was that, Moyash-" I cut him off before he could finish his sentence, my lips
pressing softly against his. He pressed his lips closer, and then we broke apart. I rested my head on hi chest as he wrapped his
arms around me.
"Please, stop lying to me, Kanda. It hurts, you know. Just admit that you love me as much as I love you." I said softly, and he
grunted. I looked up at him to find half embarrassed, half angry bluish black eyes staring down at me. Then he slapped me. I only stared up at him, wide eyed, hand pressed to the stinging side of my face.
"Never, and I mean never, try to kill yourself again." He said harshly, pulling me closer to him. The only thing holding me up now was his arms, for me legs went limp underneath me. He looked downwards, worry plain on his face.
"Are you alright?" He asked, looking at my limp legs. I pressed my lips to his once again, relishing
the taste of them.
"I'm okay; I just over-exerted myself that's all." I smiled wearily up at him, a sudden wave of
exhaustion washing over me. I felt my eyes closing as I leaned against his chest. His large hand brushed through my hair as he sat down on a sofa, pulling me down with him.
"I love you." I said, my voice slurring as I fell asleep on his lap. I could feel him smiling down at me as he said:
"I love you, too, Moyashi."