My True Self
Disclaimer: The song 'My True Self' belongs to Yamaha and Vocaloid. All characters belong to me.
Warning: Foul language and slight Shounen-Ai.
CONTAINS SHOUNEN-AI (Soft Boy-Love). IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT.
Why is my heart so tired from crying?
Why do I hate myself so much?
____________________________________________________
The rain pounded in my ears and ran down my face, but I
couldn't give a fuck less. I was just so sick of all the shit,
sick of
crying, sick of love, sick of myself. Tears blended easily with
the relentless rain as I buried my face in my
hands. My heart
was gone, yet the void where it used to be still ached. I hated
myself even more as the minutes rolled by. Why, you ask?
Like I fucking know. I've been asking myself that for as long as
I can remember, and my mind still draws a
blank.
____________________________________________________
Why am I breathing?
If only I could stop breathing
painlessly.
____________________________________________________
Why? Why the fuck was I born? It wasn't like my parents
wanted me. I was the bane of their existence. That is, before
my mother ran off and my father started getting drunk and
beating the shit out of me. I wished that there was I way I could
end my life without pain. Haven't I already felt enough? I even
prayed to that thing they call 'God', who I had given up on
years ago. Maybe he could strip my presence from this
world.
____________________________________________________
Someone please help me.
My heart cries out in
loneliness.
Even if I pretend to be tough, I want someone to find me
soon.
____________________________________________________
Despite myself, I found the void where my heart was meant to
be scream in loneliness. I understood it, despite my deep
resentment towards it. It had only itself, just like me. I wanted
my heart to return. I wanted to stop feeling like fucking
slaughtering myself. Most of my glares and comments of hatred
are feigned. My true self wants someone, anyone, to stop this
pain. This will to die. I am begging for someone to find me on
the inside. I can no longer fucking live like
this.
____________________________________________________
Why is it that even though my heart is lonely I try to push
people away?
If I were to disappear from this world tomorrow, I bet there
wouldn't be anyone who would cry for
me.
____________________________________________________
I don't fucking understand myself. I want to stop pretending to
hate people, but I only end up doing whatever the hell I always
do, and chase them away. I scoffed as I tried to think of a
single person that would even notice if I died and not a single
name popped up. Instead of crying for me, everyone would
carry on, forgetting about me and being themselves. I'm
probably better off like that, anyway. Nobody needs to
remember the kid who fucked everything up,
right?
____________________________________________________
Don't you want to dispose of that old self and get a new
life?
Even now, I am hesitant.
Afraid to touch even such a small
ripple.
____________________________________________________
I want to fucking live the way I want to, not the way my hatred
forces me too. I'm scared to speak with people in the fear that
I will be hated and despised by all the people I pretended to
hate. I can't change a think without the fear of more pain, and
the thought frustrates me to no God-damned end.
____________________________________________________
You cannot turn into the 'real you' for you secretly long to be
this way.
It's about time you cut it out and wake
up.
____________________________________________________
"Just be yourself. I won’t hate you." I looked up, shocked, as
a voice sounded above me. I recognized the jet black hair
and the blood-red eyes that followed my every move. I felt
something stir inside of me, a feeling that had been long
forgotten. And, no matter how faint the feeling was, I could
sense my heart attempting to re-create itself in my chest.
"Jace." I breathed. The name I hadn't spoken in so long felt
foreign on my tongue, but it also felt... good. "Jace." I said
again, just to clarify the fact that I wasn't delusional. He
grabbed
my arm and pulled me into a standing position, and the skin he
had touched felt hot. The feeling grew stronger, and I finally
remembered the name of it. Love. He had been gone for five
years, and I still loved him.
"Wake up, Jinx. This isn't you."
_____________________________________________________
From now on, please push yourself
forward.
Because even after I vanish, I will always be watching over
you.
_____________________________________________________
"Be happy from now on. Don't let me destroy you again. Move
on through and forget about me if you have to. Even when I'm
not here, I'm watching over you. I love you, Jinx." My small yet
growing heart soared. I hadn't heard those words in so long. I
didn't stop him as he kissed me, and our eyes gazed into each
others as we pulled
apart.
Maybe, just maybe, I could trust him again. I was already
falling for him once more, and I felt happy. Then I started to
cry
harder. No, they weren't tears of sadness, pain, anger,
frustration, or hatred. They were tears of pure joy that I had
finally
found someone to love.
Warning: Foul language and slight Shounen-Ai.
CONTAINS SHOUNEN-AI (Soft Boy-Love). IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT.
Why is my heart so tired from crying?
Why do I hate myself so much?
____________________________________________________
The rain pounded in my ears and ran down my face, but I
couldn't give a fuck less. I was just so sick of all the shit,
sick of
crying, sick of love, sick of myself. Tears blended easily with
the relentless rain as I buried my face in my
hands. My heart
was gone, yet the void where it used to be still ached. I hated
myself even more as the minutes rolled by. Why, you ask?
Like I fucking know. I've been asking myself that for as long as
I can remember, and my mind still draws a
blank.
____________________________________________________
Why am I breathing?
If only I could stop breathing
painlessly.
____________________________________________________
Why? Why the fuck was I born? It wasn't like my parents
wanted me. I was the bane of their existence. That is, before
my mother ran off and my father started getting drunk and
beating the shit out of me. I wished that there was I way I could
end my life without pain. Haven't I already felt enough? I even
prayed to that thing they call 'God', who I had given up on
years ago. Maybe he could strip my presence from this
world.
____________________________________________________
Someone please help me.
My heart cries out in
loneliness.
Even if I pretend to be tough, I want someone to find me
soon.
____________________________________________________
Despite myself, I found the void where my heart was meant to
be scream in loneliness. I understood it, despite my deep
resentment towards it. It had only itself, just like me. I wanted
my heart to return. I wanted to stop feeling like fucking
slaughtering myself. Most of my glares and comments of hatred
are feigned. My true self wants someone, anyone, to stop this
pain. This will to die. I am begging for someone to find me on
the inside. I can no longer fucking live like
this.
____________________________________________________
Why is it that even though my heart is lonely I try to push
people away?
If I were to disappear from this world tomorrow, I bet there
wouldn't be anyone who would cry for
me.
____________________________________________________
I don't fucking understand myself. I want to stop pretending to
hate people, but I only end up doing whatever the hell I always
do, and chase them away. I scoffed as I tried to think of a
single person that would even notice if I died and not a single
name popped up. Instead of crying for me, everyone would
carry on, forgetting about me and being themselves. I'm
probably better off like that, anyway. Nobody needs to
remember the kid who fucked everything up,
right?
____________________________________________________
Don't you want to dispose of that old self and get a new
life?
Even now, I am hesitant.
Afraid to touch even such a small
ripple.
____________________________________________________
I want to fucking live the way I want to, not the way my hatred
forces me too. I'm scared to speak with people in the fear that
I will be hated and despised by all the people I pretended to
hate. I can't change a think without the fear of more pain, and
the thought frustrates me to no God-damned end.
____________________________________________________
You cannot turn into the 'real you' for you secretly long to be
this way.
It's about time you cut it out and wake
up.
____________________________________________________
"Just be yourself. I won’t hate you." I looked up, shocked, as
a voice sounded above me. I recognized the jet black hair
and the blood-red eyes that followed my every move. I felt
something stir inside of me, a feeling that had been long
forgotten. And, no matter how faint the feeling was, I could
sense my heart attempting to re-create itself in my chest.
"Jace." I breathed. The name I hadn't spoken in so long felt
foreign on my tongue, but it also felt... good. "Jace." I said
again, just to clarify the fact that I wasn't delusional. He
grabbed
my arm and pulled me into a standing position, and the skin he
had touched felt hot. The feeling grew stronger, and I finally
remembered the name of it. Love. He had been gone for five
years, and I still loved him.
"Wake up, Jinx. This isn't you."
_____________________________________________________
From now on, please push yourself
forward.
Because even after I vanish, I will always be watching over
you.
_____________________________________________________
"Be happy from now on. Don't let me destroy you again. Move
on through and forget about me if you have to. Even when I'm
not here, I'm watching over you. I love you, Jinx." My small yet
growing heart soared. I hadn't heard those words in so long. I
didn't stop him as he kissed me, and our eyes gazed into each
others as we pulled
apart.
Maybe, just maybe, I could trust him again. I was already
falling for him once more, and I felt happy. Then I started to
cry
harder. No, they weren't tears of sadness, pain, anger,
frustration, or hatred. They were tears of pure joy that I had
finally
found someone to love.